so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
