At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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