ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
