I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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