Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
