Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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