my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
