i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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