it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She needs sedatives and a leash
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
