at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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