I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
