just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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