smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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