I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
