Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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