no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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