Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
