i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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