I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have post one night stand depression
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