..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
