It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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