Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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