my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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