you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
