Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
