sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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