listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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