Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
