I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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