my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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