I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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