hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
