Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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