Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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