M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
