yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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