so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
