Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
