If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
