yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
