dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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