bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
