At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
