my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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