Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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