did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
