this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
