a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Boobs are out for the taking
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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