He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
