I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I did not marry a roomba.
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