Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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