He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
