You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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