yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
