Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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