Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
