If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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