That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
