fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
