dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
