shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
