I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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