Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
