I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
