I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
